In a move that surprised approximately zero people but still managed to dominate headlines, Texas Governor Greg Abbott held a press conference Wednesday morning to announce his latest crusade: a full statewide ban on Pride flags in public schools.

Standing at a podium flanked by a giant Texas state flag and, curiously, a framed photo of Charlie Kirk, Abbott declared:

“This is Texas, not TikTok. And as long as I’m Governor, the only flags we recognize are the American flag, the Texas flag, and that oversized Dallas Cowboys banner Jerry Jones sent me last Christmas.”

The order comes just days after Utah enacted a similar policy, creating what conservative commentators are gleefully calling the “No Rainbow Coalition.”

Under Abbott’s new directive, classrooms across the Lone Star State will be stripped of rainbow banners, inclusive posters, and anything resembling a unicorn sticker with too much glitter. Schools will instead be encouraged to decorate with “real Texan symbols,” which according to Abbott include oil rigs, steakhouse coupons, and faded portraits of Ronald Reagan.

Teachers, already scrambling to adjust to constant changes, now face yet another set of guidelines. “We just finished removing books from the library,” sighed one Houston English teacher. “Now I’ve gotta tell little Emma she can’t put a rainbow on her art project because it looks too woke? At this point, I’m gonna start teaching kids with finger puppets made out of H-E-B receipts.”

Parents across Texas reacted with a predictable mix of outrage and applause.

Conservative parent groups flooded Facebook with celebratory memes of eagles holding Bibles while stepping on rainbow flags. “Finally, our children can grow up free from indoctrination and go back to learning important things,” one father wrote, “like how to field dress a deer by age 9.”

On the other side, progressive parents expressed concern. “My son just wanted to wear a rainbow pin to show support for his sister,” said a mom in Austin. “Now the school says if he does, they’ll replace it with a pin that says ‘Howdy.’ Like… what exactly is the lesson here?”

To enforce the new policy, Abbott announced the creation of a “Wokeness Patrol,” a special task force of self-described patriots who will wander schools ensuring no rainbows slip through the cracks. Their uniform? Cowboy hats, mirrored sunglasses, and cargo shorts filled with citation slips.

“These are highly trained volunteers,” Abbott explained. “If a child draws a rainbow, they’ll immediately hand them a Texas-themed coloring sheet. Maybe a brisket. Maybe a picture of a pickup truck. Whatever it takes to steer them back to tradition.”

Early reports indicate the patrol has already cited one middle school for allowing rainbow sprinkles on cupcakes during a bake sale. The cupcakes have since been replaced with plain cornbread muffins, described by students as “sad but compliant.”

Utah’s own ban on Pride flags, passed just a week earlier, served as the inspiration for Abbott’s crusade. “When I saw Utah do it, I said to myself, ‘Hold my Shiner Bock,’” Abbott told reporters.

Conservative news outlets are already speculating which state will follow next. Florida’s Ron DeSantis reportedly texted Abbott a congratulatory message reading, “Bro, we’re already banning rainbow fish books down here. Respect.”

Critics argue Abbott’s move is less about protecting kids and more about scoring easy points in the culture wars.

“Greg Abbott banning Pride flags is about as shocking as Greg Abbott eating barbecue,” said one political analyst. “He’s trying to shore up his base by turning classrooms into battlegrounds. But what’s next? Banning Skittles? Outlawing sunsets? Arresting Lucky Charms mascots?”

Satirists online quickly piled on. One viral meme featured Abbott pointing at a child’s drawing with the caption: “No rainbows, Timmy. Only tumbleweeds.” Another quipped, “Texas students now required to pledge allegiance to brisket.”

Unsurprisingly, students themselves are not taking the ban quietly. Across Dallas, San Antonio, and Austin, teenagers staged small walkouts, waving rainbow shoelaces, phone cases, and in one case, a life-sized inflatable unicorn.

One high school sophomore declared, “If they ban flags, fine. We’ll just become the flags. What are they gonna do, suspend us for being colorful?”

The Wokeness Patrol responded swiftly, but their cowboy hats were no match for the swarm of TikTok livestreams broadcasting the protests to millions.

Reaction to Abbott’s announcement rippled across the country.

Former President Donald Trump praised the move, saying, “I love Texas. Great state. They love me. No rainbows, only red, white, and blue, and maybe gold, because I like gold.”

Meanwhile, President Joe Biden chuckled awkwardly when asked by reporters, muttering something about how rainbows were “created by God, man, c’mon.”

Elon Musk, never one to miss a headline, tweeted: “Pride flags banned in Texas schools. Maybe now we can paint Charlie Kirk murals instead. Just saying.” The tweet received 500,000 likes and exactly three angry replies from Mark Cuban.

When pressed about whether his administration would stop at Pride flags, Abbott smirked. “We’ll see. Texas is about tradition. If we have to protect our children from rainbow Goldfish crackers next, we’ll do it. No hesitation.”

His spokesperson later clarified that rainbow-themed cereals, candies, and crayons were still “under review.”

Analysts predict this latest move will boost Abbott’s approval among conservatives while intensifying the cultural divide nationwide. In the meantime, schools are bracing for confusion as they figure out how to handle everything from rainbow graphs in math class to the occasional multicolored umbrella on rainy days.

Texas, never shy about planting its cowboy boot firmly on America’s cultural fault lines, has once again delivered a headline that writes itself.

For some, Abbott is defending children from the terrifying sight of multicolored fabric. For others, he’s turning classrooms into political theater. But for most students? It’s just another day of watching grownups argue about flags while they sneak rainbow bracelets under their hoodies.

Because here’s the truth Abbott forgot: kids are always five steps ahead. Ban the flags, and they’ll turn TikTok into a rainbow flood so massive even the Wokeness Patrol won’t be able to lasso it back.

Until then, Texas will continue to lead the “No Rainbow Coalition,” proving once again that in the culture wars, nothing is too small—or too colorful—to ban.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.