Jimmy Kimmel has had a rough week, and it’s not because Guillermo accidentally broke the coffee machine on set again. According to reports, Kimmel lost a jaw-dropping $30 million overnight after Starbucks abruptly ended its partnership with the late-night host, citing his recent remarks about conservative activist Charlie Kirk.

The chain, known for its pumpkin spice obsession and $9 lattes that taste suspiciously like nutmeg water, released a statement early Wednesday morning:

“Starbucks is a place for community, conversation, and overpriced beverages. While we tolerate many opinions, we draw the line at late-night comedians mocking American martyrs during memorial season. Therefore, Jimmy Kimmel’s partnership with our brand has been terminated effective immediately.”

The partnership, previously unannounced to the public, allegedly involved Kimmel developing a line of branded beverages, including the “Mean Tweet Macchiato,” the “Celebrities Read Frappuccino,” and, most controversially, the “Charlie Kirk Short Roast.”

Kimmel, whose humor has long leaned on celebrity roasts and pretending to be less smug than he actually is, sparked outrage last week after making a sarcastic quip about Kirk’s memorial. During a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live!, he joked:

“Charlie Kirk’s memorial service is drawing more people than my show—mostly because free Chick-fil-A was served at the door.”

The audience laughed nervously. Conservatives didn’t. Within hours, the clip was clipped, memed, reposted, and weaponized across the political internet faster than you can say “pumpkin spice latte.”

Turning Point USA declared a boycott of Kimmel, while Fox News aired the joke on a 24-hour loop under the chyron: “Kimmel Declares War on Fallen Patriot.”

Starbucks, often accused of being too woke for putting rainbows on cups in June, saw an opportunity to pivot.

By dropping Kimmel, they could recast themselves as the coffee of choice for conservative America—finally outflanking Dunkin’, whose Trump-supporting customer base already treats them as the “true American espresso.”

Within minutes of the announcement, Starbucks rolled out a new limited-edition drink: the “Patriot Pumpkin Latte—Now 2nd Amendment Strong.” Each order comes with an AR-15 foam design etched into the milk and a small “Stand for the Flag” bumper sticker.

Sales reportedly tripled overnight.

For Kimmel, however, the move was financially devastating. His reported $30 million Starbucks deal—meant to secure retirement money for himself and Guillermo—vanished like whipped cream on a hot day.

Entertainment insiders say Kimmel was blindsided. “Jimmy thought Starbucks was liberal Hollywood in liquid form,” said one anonymous staffer. “He assumed mocking conservatives would just earn him another latte sponsorship. Instead, they gave him the corporate version of ‘You’re canceled.’”

Kimmel reportedly called Howard Schultz, Starbucks’ billionaire chairman, to beg for a second chance. Schultz allegedly replied: “Jimmy, we built this empire on caffeine, not sarcasm. Good luck selling frappes at Dunkin’.”

Naturally, conservative media figures couldn’t contain their glee. Tucker Carlson, broadcasting from a barn somewhere in Maine, said: “Finally, a company is standing up for America by telling Jimmy Kimmel to shut his soy-sipping mouth.”

Ben Shapiro released a three-hour podcast dissecting Kimmel’s joke, complete with diagrams explaining why Chick-fil-A sandwiches are empirically funnier than Starbucks macchiatos.

Donald Trump posted on Truth Social:

“Starbucks is back in my GOOD BOOKS (for now). Jimmy Kimmel is a LOSER. Sad! He should maybe learn comedy from me—I’m hilarious!!!”

On the other hand, Hollywood stars rushed to defend Kimmel. Stephen Colbert tweeted: “Solidarity with Jimmy. Next time, maybe try Dunkin’. They can’t cancel us all.”

Seth Meyers added: “If I lost $30 million every time I made a bad joke, I’d be in debt to my writers for eternity.” Meanwhile, Howard Stern suggested Kimmel could bounce back by “leaning into his inner bad boy” and starting a podcast called “Bitter Beans.”

Though $30 million down, Kimmel remains optimistic. Insiders say he’s already in talks with rival coffee chain Dutch Bros to launch a line of drinks called “The Left Roast.”

Rumors also suggest Netflix is circling with a documentary offer tentatively titled “From Pumpkin Spice to Political Sacrifice: The Jimmy Kimmel Story.”

Kimmel’s staff writers, meanwhile, are reportedly working overtime to spin the controversy into monologue material. One joked off-record: “At least Starbucks didn’t cancel Guillermo. He’s still allowed to drink the coffee.”

CEO Laxman Narasimhan announced, “We at Starbucks are proud to realign with America’s true values: caffeine, capitalism, and commemorating conservative icons with caramel drizzle.”

Jimmy Kimmel may have lost $30 million, but he gained something arguably more valuable: a permanent place in the annals of “celebrities canceled by corporations they thought were their friends.”

For Charlie Kirk’s supporters, it was proof that corporate America can sometimes be patriotic. For Kimmel’s fans, it was a reminder that one bad joke can cost more than a Beverly Hills mansion.

And for Starbucks? Well, their stock just hit an all-time high, thanks to conservatives ordering six “Patriot Pumpkin Lattes” per day. The lesson? In today’s America, you don’t mess with memorials, martyrs, or macchiatos.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.